Pairing: McKay/Sheppard & McKay/Keller
Word count: 390
Spoilers: This is a tag to The Shrine, so everything up to that episode is fair game I guess?
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything to do with Stargate. Just borrowing them. I’ll make sure to wash and dry them before returning, promise.
Beta: Thank you to the lovely Sandra for the quick beta and remaining all mistakes are of course my own.
Feedback: Does anyone actually say no here?
Author notes: I haven’t written anything for over a year, live has been so insane I’ve been completely blocked. So, it was amazing to have this dribble out of my fingertips.
Hacking into the medical sever didn’t take as long as it should have. It might be, in fact was, the most secure one in the city. The problem was, it was still the system he’d set up in the first place. So here he was, accessing his own medical history. He was pretty sure he remembered everything. Every humiliating, degrading moment, but for some reason he had to be sure. Apparently he had more masochistic tendencies than he’d realised, yet still, he had to know.
From the first to the last day it didn’t take long. Somehow he’d expected it to take longer to watch himself disappearing. Every piece of his defences being stripped away. He hardly knew the comfortable, joking man he saw on day one, and it only got worse. Each day, a little less Rodney McKay was on the screen, replaced with a person he wouldn’t, couldn’t, didn’t want to recognise.
He could remember being that person. He could remember insisting that he wasn’t smart enough to be called Doctor, he could remember telling Keller that he loved her. He could remember waving goodbye to his friends. He remembered every moment on screen, and so many more. He remembered his team, his friends being there for him, and he remembered constantly calling for John. Remembered being, feeling safe and comfortable in his presence. Sure, even when there was nothing of Rodney McKay really left, that John could make things better.
Not Ronon or Teyla. Not Jeanie, although honestly she was only there for the last few days, and not even Keller. It should have been, after all he’d confessed to her that he was in love with her, shouldn’t it have been her that he’d wanted? That he’d searched and called for? He hadn’t even remembered her name when he was still calling out for John.
It was a startling revelation, particularly for a man who avoided them as fastidiously as he did. He needed John more than he needed the woman he was in love with. Because that pitiful creature on the screen he didn’t want to recognise was himself. Stripped bare of his defences, the sharp tongue, the sharper personality, and stripped of his truest defence of all, his mind. That was him, vulnerable, childlike and completely baffled by the world around him.